Looking forward to a new year; actually, just looking to scrap this one–or more accurately: to move on from it. Only way is up, kinda-thing, and as my usual Taoist-leaning, Buddhist-inclined self, I’m grateful to understand the nature of suffering. That doesn’t make it any less of a pain in the arse, of course, but it’s nice to understand.
So I’m making plans to re-invent myself and buy and sell the world again, or re-invent the world and buy and sell myself again–something like that.
But for starters, over the Gregorian New Year holiday I will be rewriting my personal website, and I want to focus on creative forces and wilder energies. (As author and lead actor in my life, I am qualified to choose my focus.) It makes sense to me that, with all the outward-looking and judging the world has been doing these past couple of years, I would feel inclined to search inward. (People are crazy-obsessed with what everyone else is doing! Much of what we hear and see these days are increasingly desperate attempts to stay worthy of obsession.)
And I’m happy to be happy about something. Anything. I haven’t had ambition in a couple of years now, and that’s not like me. I miss my ambitious and madly creative self. I miss the dramatic feelings of self-worth that come with my psychedelic imagination. I miss sunbathing in all the good things that I like about myself–things that make me original and uniquely me. Most of what and who I am is common, but it’s in the method of being that I stake out my individuality. I know how to be me, and I know how to fake being me and how to not be me and how to be a worse me and a better me, but I know how to be interesting because I’ve never been anyone’s typical anything. As true is the nature of a cloud or a rock or a fish or bird or a million ants of a single queen, I’ve never been a typical anything, and in life I am repeatedly reminded how fortunate I am for this, because there is a kind of true freedom in being atypical and weirdly so. There is a freedom in being weird.
And God knows I’m a free man.